It’s Not Them… It’s You!

September 7th, 2010

Remember that terrible old “break up” line… “No, no, really… it’s not you, it’s me.”  Well, sometimes it seems that history is not without a sense of irony.

The Norm: When situations get frustrating and are not living up to our expectations, we begin looking at who is causing the situation.  We can’t possibly be the source.  It must be elsewhere… right?

But alas, it’s not them, it’s you/us!

We see the world through our perceptions, through our past experiences, and through our values.  This forms our “filter” for viewing life and for how we act and react in any situation.  So we act and perceive based on our filters; just like others act and perceive based on theirs…

See how quickly “reality” becomes quite “relative” depending who you are in this particular scenario?

Key point: Notice that others are simply interpreting and acting based on how they see the world, and you are doing the same, based on how you see the world?

This is just a normal cycle in our everyday lives.  Individuals – who are empowered, who positively impact and influence others, and (dare I say) who lead others – choose not to get caught up in this cycle.  Instead they know it is part of the game of life, and they have fun with it.  They are quick to identify and check their own perceptions – recognizing their perception is exactly this: theirs, and no one else’s.

When you don’t see a situation the same way as someone else, or someone doesn’t see it your way, don’t let frustration or aggravation get in your way.  Instead know that differences are to be expected, welcomed, AND understood.

Know that if you have a “negative” reaction to a situation or another person, that it’s really telling you something about YOURSELF.

You can spend your time wishing the other person will change or wake up or you can focus on yourself and be aware of what perceptions that you have that may be causing any feelings of negativity.  One path will lead to frustration; the other to fulfillment.

So, a helpful little takeaway: Walk with a mirror – meaning, when you want a different result, when you want something to change, stop looking to others for that change, and instead focus in on the one thing you can change – you!

Live on fire!

D. Luke Iorio
President and CEO

REDEFINING EDUCATIONAL SUCCESS

August 31st, 2010

The educational system is at a turning point.
Though it has taken a beating in the past few years – shrinking budgets, increased regulation and complexity, greater job demands, and a lower influx of new teachers (i.e. new energy) — it is actually the perfect time to redefine the meaning of educational success, and as a community band together in its pursuit.

Children are not just their grades and test scores, their parents and the support they get, their individual aptitudes or emotional development, the classrooms they’re in or the teachers they have… it’s actually all of those things, and more.

Educational success must be measured by how well we are developing 21st century students who are global thinkers with strong communication, relationship, and team-working skills; and how well we are readying our young people to be the leaders of the future, able to flourish and thrive.

Our role as a community of engaged educators is to produce innovators, entrepreneurs, and contributors to society.  By teaching our young people about decision making, about values, about emotions, and about the way they think, we are watering the seeds of greatness in each child.

Success can further be defined as our ability to provide excellent leadership to each student, utilizing coaching technology that brings out the full potential of each student. By providing robust tools that positively impact the whole child, across his or her life, and throughout his or her development, the Educational Leadership Coach Training program (www.CoachTrainingforEducators.com) allows professional educators to see more angles, understand the interconnectedness of diverse elements, and focus their efforts in a way that brings about positive, substantial, and sustainable change.

In the world in which we live today, our success as educators will depend on our ability to create a culture that is focused on “what’s right,” one in which parents and community, standing alongside our teachers, principals, and superintendents, see the greatness in every child, and are committed to that child’s intellectual,  physical, and emotional well-being.

What will that new culture look like? Inside the classroom we’ll adopt new approaches, more deeply embedding multiple learning modalities, customizing lesson plans to the individual student, and demonstrating leadership and improving interpersonal skills through coaching competencies like intuitive listening and acknowledgement and validation.

Outside the classroom, we will lead through social interactions, getting our students involved in more than just academics, and encouraging them to become involved in their communities and to pursue their passions.

Some of these approaches have been in the works and are in use today; other approaches are still in the making to figure out what’s going to best educate students based on today’s requirements.

In order to meet those requirements, we need to become even more aware of all the factors that are impacting our children – to recognize that when students don’t feel physically and emotionally safe, true learning doesn’t happen. When students are hungry, they must be fed.  When they are afraid and lack confidence, they must be reassured. Their basic needs have to be met so that their minds are free to learn.

We need to set up an environment that is risk free, and to nurture and support students every day, no matter how they show up to class in the moment. We need to empower students to come up with their own answers and to view situations from a holistic perspective. We need to learn to trust that they can lead themselves, and that they can learn how to make effective decisions that factor in many perspectives.

So who do educational leaders and other professional educators need to become to deliver on this new vision?
We need to become great leaders and great coaches.  As more and more effective educators develop their true ability to lead and use the power of coaching, more and more children will mirror those forms of positive communication that seek to bring forth the inner brilliance and worth of each person.

Written by Alan Cohen

Get Busy

August 10th, 2010

How often do you find yourself not moving forward with action steps towards a goal just because you’re waiting for something else to happen first?  And, how often do you allow this to become an obstacle to moving forward – getting stuck in perpetual limbo?

Many times we feel that we don’t have control over the progress of our lives because of some other factor or person.

“I’ll start that project when I get the proper funding.”

“I can’t set that call up with the prospect until Joe gets me all of the details!”

“I need to think this through further and understand all the angles before I move forward.”

It’s quite normal to want to feel prepared and have everything in place for the best start before actually beginning.  But at what point does it become paralysis by analysis?  Your excuse for not “getting out there”?  Or your story for postponing action?

Waiting can be a form of self defense — fearing that either we will ‘get hurt’ or ‘look bad’ by not succeeding.  We look for this ‘X’ factor that somehow will make it all come together just perfectly… and so we wait.  We spend so much time and energy convincing others and ourselves of all the reasons that we shouldn’t or can’t move forward.  We miss the very point that the ‘X’ factor has been there all along… sitting in the mirror.

It’s at these times of “waiting” that we need to ask ourselves, what’s really holding us back?  If I had that missing piece of information, that feedback from whomever, that ‘X’ factor that I’ve been waiting on, what could I then do?  What are 3 others ways I could make some progress toward my goal without waiting?

Consider that there are other options.  Consider that it may be fear that’s holding you back.  Consider what it would take and most importantly what it would feel like – despite the fear and desire to ‘wait’ until the stars are aligned – to take action, to get busy, to muster up the courage and press forward knowing that you will be able to do the best you can at the moment?  How might this “Get Busy” attitude create a whole new paradigm for your life?

“Perhaps by putting together people and pieces for this project I’ll come across new avenues for funding and be that much further along when the money comes along.”

“I should call that prospect and find out what her schedule looks like so that we can set up a call. This will keep us in contact and move things along. I’ll ask Joe to get in on the call so he’s aware of the timeline and feels some level of urgency with regards to that info that I requested from him”

We all have a choice in every moment. How do you want to focus your thoughts and energy?

Which would you prefer:  to stand still and look at what didn’t happen; or, to move forward with passion and excitement looking forward to what will happen next?

We all have RESPONSE-ABILITY – that is, the ability to respond, the ability to make things happen, the ability to set the example for what we want to ask of others, and the energy to not only take action, but to inspire others to take action as well.

So what’s it going to take for you to “get busy”?

D. Luke Iorio
President and CEO

Great Tips to Successful Couples Coaching, Tip #3

August 4th, 2010

By Guest Bloggers Judith Ansara & Robert Gass

This is the final installment of our guest blogging series here at iPEC.  We hope that you’ve enjoyed our tips and we look forward to connecting with you in the future. Our 3rd Tip to Successful Couples Coaching is below, followed by some tools that can help you enhance your experience in using this tip during your couples coaching sessions.

Help couples connect
As couples get emotionally triggered or activated, they get disconnected from each other.  Our antennae which discern friend from foe get confused between our partner and a sabre-tooth tiger.  We get completely absorbed with the issue at hand, and it feels like we can’t feel close until we resolve this issue (the way we want it.)

The truth is, couples can’t solve their issues when they’re not feeling connected.  Your job as a coach is to help the couple get connected NOW — before they resolve the problem at hand. If the couple is connected, they become most resourceful in dealing with whatever is as hand.

Here are three great practical tools for helping couples get connected:

Tool #1:  Physical contact and breathing together
Ask the couple to physically sit facing each other.  Ask them to take each others’ hands and look into each others’ eyes.  You will need to guide them each step of the way.  Then ask them to start to match their breathing to one another.  They should exhale audibly through their slightly open mouths, so it’s easy to see and hear the others’ exhale.  Keep encouraging them to settle into the inhaling… and exhaling together.  This is a simple, but extraordinarily powerful practice for creating connection.

Tool #2:  Appreciation
One at a time, ask each member of the couple to speak for 3 minutes about what they appreciate about the other person.  They should again, turn directly towards each other.  Instruct the receiver of the appreciations not to speak in any way for these three minutes, but simply to take in the gift that is being offered.

Tool #3:  Side-by-Side
Instruct the couple to sit side-by-side. They should imagine that the issue or problem is in front of them (instead of between them), and that they are looking together at the situation as if they were the coaches.  They speak in the third person about themselves:  “He feels that….”  “She needs….”  “What they might do is….”  We find that this simple shifting of positions breaks couples out of the dynamic that the other person is the problem, and puts them on the same side looking at the situation.

Over the past couple of weeks we’ve shared with you our three favorite tips for Couples Coaching.

They Are:
1. Get them out of the blame game.
2. Stay future and solution focused
3. Help couples connect

These three simple but profoundly powerful practices can calm the sometimes chaotic waters of couples dynamics, and help you, the coach, be a needed and effective resource for couples coaching.  For more tips, or if you have any questions about building a couples coaching practice, or lastly if you are interested in attending any of our Weekend Couples Retreats, please don’t hesitate to contact us at the link below!

Thank You!

Judith & Robert

Judith Ansara, MSW, & Robert Gass, EdD, have been married since 1969 and have worked together with thousands of couples over the past 30 years.Judith Ansara & Robert Gass have been married since 1968 and have worked together with thousands of couples over the past 30 years. For more information, including a video about Judith, Robert and their unique transformational retreats for couples, please click here. :  http://sacredunion.com/site/?page_id=21

The Truth about Giving Feedback

July 28th, 2010

By Guest Blogger Vijay Aluwalia

What is Feedback?

Most of us have worked in the corporate arena at some point, so we are used to the idea of feedback in the workspace. We have all given feedback, we’ve all received it, we know it’s necessary, we understand the purpose – or do we? If our goal of feedback relates to encouraging a person to continue in a specific way (so that the desired result is ‘sustained’) or to encourage a change in approach (so that the desired result is ‘attained’) then how mindful are we really, when it comes to how we choose to communicate our ‘feedback’?

Dale Carnegie summarizes this lack of awareness very well. “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain … and most fools do.”   {I would replace the word fool with person but I think you get my point.}

Here’s a typical workplace scenario most of us can relate to -  Someone does something a little annoying and not to your taste.  You leave it for a while.  The same actions keep occurring over time.  Everyone deals with it in a nice manner. It’s inconvenient but nothing is said. Then one day, the consequences are significant for you personally, your temper increases, and you let them have it. Quite a strong message is delivered and you leave thinking you have solved the issue and that you are a “champion of feedback.”

Pretty run of the mill stuff right? Let’s take a step back a moment. Who was the subject? A coworker -  presumably human with feelings? What was the objective? To encourage change? There are a few different definitions of encourage but nearly all of them center around the idea of mental support, motivation, hope, and spirit.

So, with this objective in mind, how likely is it that the tactics used were the right ones?

What are some of the coach approach skills you have learned that can help you create more desirable dialogue? For some examples of these and to read our 4 simple rules to follow, please come visit us at www.varune.com.

By Guest Blogger Vijay Aluwalia,

Varune, Project Leadership