By Guest Bloggers Judith Ansara & Robert Gass

This is the final installment of our guest blogging series here at iPEC.  We hope that you’ve enjoyed our tips and we look forward to connecting with you in the future. Our 3rd Tip to Successful Couples Coaching is below, followed by some tools that can help you enhance your experience in using this tip during your couples coaching sessions.

Help couples connect
As couples get emotionally triggered or activated, they get disconnected from each other.  Our antennae which discern friend from foe get confused between our partner and a sabre-tooth tiger.  We get completely absorbed with the issue at hand, and it feels like we can’t feel close until we resolve this issue (the way we want it.)

The truth is, couples can’t solve their issues when they’re not feeling connected.  Your job as a coach is to help the couple get connected NOW — before they resolve the problem at hand. If the couple is connected, they become most resourceful in dealing with whatever is as hand.

Here are three great practical tools for helping couples get connected:

Tool #1:  Physical contact and breathing together
Ask the couple to physically sit facing each other.  Ask them to take each others’ hands and look into each others’ eyes.  You will need to guide them each step of the way.  Then ask them to start to match their breathing to one another.  They should exhale audibly through their slightly open mouths, so it’s easy to see and hear the others’ exhale.  Keep encouraging them to settle into the inhaling… and exhaling together.  This is a simple, but extraordinarily powerful practice for creating connection.

Tool #2:  Appreciation
One at a time, ask each member of the couple to speak for 3 minutes about what they appreciate about the other person.  They should again, turn directly towards each other.  Instruct the receiver of the appreciations not to speak in any way for these three minutes, but simply to take in the gift that is being offered.

Tool #3:  Side-by-Side
Instruct the couple to sit side-by-side. They should imagine that the issue or problem is in front of them (instead of between them), and that they are looking together at the situation as if they were the coaches.  They speak in the third person about themselves:  “He feels that….”  “She needs….”  “What they might do is….”  We find that this simple shifting of positions breaks couples out of the dynamic that the other person is the problem, and puts them on the same side looking at the situation.

Over the past couple of weeks we’ve shared with you our three favorite tips for Couples Coaching.

They Are:
1. Get them out of the blame game.
2. Stay future and solution focused
3. Help couples connect

These three simple but profoundly powerful practices can calm the sometimes chaotic waters of couples dynamics, and help you, the coach, be a needed and effective resource for couples coaching.  For more tips, or if you have any questions about building a couples coaching practice, or lastly if you are interested in attending any of our Weekend Couples Retreats, please don’t hesitate to contact us at the link below!

Thank You!

Judith & Robert

Judith Ansara, MSW, & Robert Gass, EdD, have been married since 1969 and have worked together with thousands of couples over the past 30 years.Judith Ansara & Robert Gass have been married since 1968 and have worked together with thousands of couples over the past 30 years. For more information, including a video about Judith, Robert and their unique transformational retreats for couples, please click here. :  http://sacredunion.com/site/?page_id=21

By Guest Bloggers Judith Ansara & Robert Gass

As we mentioned in the last blog , we’ve begun a series for individuals or couples who are interested in working within the Couples Coaching Niche. Here is the first of three of our favorite practices that will help steer you toward success in your practice while working with couples.

Get them out of the blame game

Most couples are experts at seeing what the other person does or doesn’t do, and how everything would be fine if only s/he…

Your challenge:  keeping each person focused on self-responsibility.

This is so important—and so rare in couples—that we call it “radical” self-responsibility.  In our couples retreats, we ask couples on the first day to make 2 commitments:
•    I will not speak as a victim.
•    I will take 100% responsibility for creating what I want in this relationship.
If each member of the couple actually does this, breakthroughs will happen – not only in the immediate problem you may be exploring — but also in the entire fabric of their relationship!

We’re not exaggerating. Most breakdowns in couple communications are around all about each person trying to get the other to change.  Radical self-responsibility is a game changer.

Don’t wait for breakdowns.  Get your clients to make these two commitments before they get into trouble in your session.  If they agree to these two ground rules, keep reminding them each and every time they slip into blaming or victimization (and they will).  By doing this, you help to ensure that you are working with two adults, who have the capacity to solve their own problems.

Please check back in two weeks for tip #2!

Judith Ansara, MSW, & Robert Gass, EdD, have been married since 1969 and have worked together with thousands of couples over the past 30 years. Judith Ansara & Robert Gass have been married since 1968 and have worked together with thousands of couples over the past 30 years. For more information, including a video about Judith, Robert, and their unique transformational retreats for couples, please click here. :  http://sacredunion.com/site/?page_id=21